Gaslighting is a term (rather an important interpersonal understanding) that’s frequently misunderstood, particularly by those who have experienced significant trauma. It’s important to recognize that not every instance of you feeling that your friend/family member is egging you on or triggering you is gaslighting. Sometimes, what feels like gaslighting may actually be well-intentioned support from friends, family, or even professionals. Here, I’ll break down five scenarios where gaslighting is often mistaken, followed by a clear example of what true gaslighting really looks like.

1. Misinterpreting Empathy as Gaslighting

Consider a scenario where you’re speaking with an empathetic doctor, someone who is professionally trained to treat trauma and understands the nuances of gaslighting. Despite their careful and compassionate approach, you still feel as though you’re being triggered or gaslighted. Why might this happen? When you’ve experienced deep trauma, your sensitivity to certain topics can be heightened to the point where any feedback feels like an attack. For example, one of the clinical criteria for PTSD is hyperarousal. The DSM-5 criteria for PTSD are  re-experiencing, avoidance, negative cognitions and mood, and arousal. The doctor might be offering you constructive feedback, but due to your heightened sensitivity, it feels like triggering.

This isn’t gaslighting—it’s a reflection of how deeply your trauma impacts your ability to engage with others. For individuals in this situation, ongoing psychotherapy and sometimes medication are essential. Without proper treatment, these individuals may inadvertently push away people who genuinely care for them, mistakenly perceiving their support as triggering or manipulative. This can lead to a pattern where the trauma survivor feels increasingly isolated, believing that everyone is trying to offend them again like they were when they were traumatized in the first place. It’s a re-experiencing of the trauma. When in fact, these people are trying to help.

Also, regarding using the word triggered. I’ve heard that people don’t like this word, but it’s actually very descriptive and accurate to what’s going on. Let’s explore some of the other terminologies that are used in this day and age instead of the word triggered. 

• Activated. In a medical setting or a psychotherapy setting, this can be confused with other things. A medication can be activating; Wellbutrin isn’t an activating antidepressant. People can be activated to do positive things as well as negative things. 
• Overwhelmed. Overwhelming can mean a lot of things. The word triggered is specific to a negative experience, trauma, and PTSD. You can be overwhelmed by completing your work and then going home to do the dishes and to do child care. So overwhelmed by this nonspecific. 
• Emotionally aroused. This can be misinterpreted as being sexually aroused. Or being emotionally aroused in a sexual way and the instances of intimacy. Still can be confused; still triggered is the proper term. 
• Distressed is also nonspecific. I can be distressed taking care of patients and then having to do administrative work as a doctor and then doing documentation on top of that. Doesn’t mean I’m triggered. 
• Experiencing a flashback. This is specific to PTSD and trauma. However, there are flashbacks of many different kinds. The triggering needs to happen first before one experience is a flashback. The skilled psychotherapist must dissect the breadcrumbs of emotions leading to an individual experiencing a panic attack or nightmare from their PTSD. As a result, experiencing a flashback is not a synonym for being triggered. It can confuse the psychotherapist. 
• The patient should be met where they’re at, especially when they’ve experienced trauma or PTSD. At the same time, the psychiatrist or psychotherapist can use the term that the patient is more comfortable with. However, triggered is the most clinically accurate word. If a doctor has good intentions, if a family member has good intentions, it behooves the patient to not scrutinize the semantics of vocabulary words. Empathic Family and Couples Therapy Anecdote: This is because individuals on this Earth are imperfect, and families and couples are imperfect. If we scrutinize each other based on these terms, it’s going to be difficult for us to have friendships with people. Love is about understanding, forgiveness, and flexibility—this is the cure for trauma and PTSD. 

2. Support from Friends or Family Misread as Gaslighting

Imagine a trauma survivor who confides in a friend or family member. This loved one, while caring and well-meaning, isn’t trained in mental health and might not know the best way to respond. They might offer advice or make comments that don’t fully align with the survivor’s needs or expectations. As a result, the trauma survivor might feel misunderstood or triggered, believing that their loved one is trying to gaslight them.

However, this isn’t gaslighting—it’s a common scenario where a well-intentioned person simply doesn’t have the right tools to offer the kind of support that’s needed. It’s important to remember that friends and family members, no matter how much they care, are not professional psychiatrist/psychotherapist. For trauma survivors, seeking professional help is crucial, as it can be overwhelming for friends and family to provide the level of support required. Relying solely on these personal relationships can strain them, leading to further misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

3. Emotional Reactions and Human Flaws

In this scenario, the trauma survivor might experience intense emotional reactions—such as crying, yelling, or mood swings—due to their unresolved trauma. When this happens, even a well-meaning friend or family member might say something that inadvertently makes the situation worse. For example, the family member might respond defensively or out of their own frustration, especially if they’re also dealing with their own stress or past trauma.

This isn’t gaslighting either; it’s an example of normal human behavior. We can’t expect everyone in our lives to respond with the same level of skill and patience as a trained therapist. This is why therapy often focuses on helping individuals understand that people are inherently flawed and that expecting perfect responses from loved ones is unrealistic. Therapy can also help trauma survivors develop strategies to communicate their needs more effectively, reducing the likelihood of misunderstandings.

One of the healthy things a trauma survivor can do is say, “I was totally gaslit by that.” Here, the trauma survivor is not placing blame on the other person. The trauma survivor is not placing blame on the person who might have triggered (empathically or un-empathically—either way) them inadvertently. This indicates that the trauma survivor has insight and self-realization into their own affliction. This is how one finds the cure for their trauma. Self-realization is considered to be one of the purposes of life—certain cultures believe that. It’s one of the main tasks that we have as human beings on this Earth: understanding ourselves and our environment. As we discover our faults and our insecurities, we can recover from trauma/neglect—we can acknowledge that we were triggered by something or someone. We can have a benign interpretation and interpret the statement of another person as benign. “Maybe they were having a bad day.” Benign interpretation is one of the cornerstones of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Then we can take this idea and talk with a friend or a doctor who is empathic and understands the world from your shoes. This is what Dr. Datta does. 

4. Unintentional Harm from Those with Narcissistic Traits – can be considered Gaslighting. 

This is where we start getting closer to what can be considered gaslighting. In this scenario, a trauma survivor interacts with someone who has narcissistic personality traits. This person might say things that are insensitive or even harmful, but not out of a deliberate intent to manipulate. Instead, their lack of empathy and self-centeredness leads them to make comments that worsen the trauma survivor’s triggers.

While this behavior can feel like gaslighting, it’s important to note that the harm isn’t intentional. The person with narcissistic traits isn’t setting out to manipulate the survivor; they simply lack the insight or empathy needed to understand how their words are affecting the other person. This situation can be damaging, but it’s different from true gaslighting because there’s no deliberate intent to control or confuse the trauma survivor. 

Is this gaslighting? – kind of. Some people can certainly argue that this is considered gaslighting. I’m saying ‘kind of’ because dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is the specific type of therapy to treat borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. One of the cornerstones of dialectical behavioral therapy is benign interpretation. It behooves the trauma survivor to interpret things in a benign way; otherwise, it gets very difficult to walk through life. What if this person, who does suffer from narcissistic personality traits, is stressed to hear the emotional outburst of the trauma survivor? The narcissistic person also has some issues that they need to talk to their therapist about. This is similar to the family member who reacts with their own defensiveness and with their own lack of love in their childhood—in response to the trauma, the survivor has an outburst.

One of the most important things in psychotherapy with people who have survived trauma. The trauma survivor must be empowered; they must be the master of their own emotions. Yes, one must live with their traumatic experiences, but this bourgeons upon having the trauma cured. This is possible with a skilled psychotherapist.

5. The Reality of Gaslighting

True gaslighting occurs when a trauma survivor is dealing with a malignant narcissist—someone who consciously and deliberately manipulates them. This person knows exactly what they’re doing and uses their words and actions to intentionally undermine the survivor’s reality. They may twist the truth, deny past events, or manipulate situations to make the survivor doubt their own perceptions and feelings.

In psychiatry, this behavior is recognized as characteristic of a malignant narcissist—someone who uses their understanding of the survivor’s vulnerabilities to control and hurt them. This is the essence of gaslighting, where the goal is to confuse, manipulate, and maintain power over the other person. The malignant narcissist’s actions are calculated and malicious, making this the most severe and damaging form of gaslighting.

Conclusion: Recognizing True Gaslighting

Understanding these distinctions is crucial for trauma survivors. It’s essential to acknowledge and appreciate the good people in your life who are genuinely trying to help, even if their efforts sometimes fall short. Healing from trauma requires reframing your experiences, learning to recognize genuine support, and letting go of the negative perceptions that might be holding you back. Taking responsibility for your own healing is a key step in this process.

As a psychiatrist who also provides psychotherapy, medication management, couples therapy, and life coaching, I (Arnab Datta, MD) am licensed to practice in the states of New York, New Jersey, Florida, Illinois, North Carolina, and soon California can help people navigate these complexities. I’ve seen many patients who, due to their trauma, mistakenly believe they’re being gaslighted when they’re not. Therapy can be a vital tool in helping individuals distinguish between genuine manipulation and misinterpreted support.

Remember, not everyone is a narcissistic manipulator. By learning effective communication techniques, like the sandwich method, speaker-listener technique, and the feeling wheel, you can discover your cognitive distortions (or thinking errors) and express your feelings in a way that encourages positive change in others rather than pushing them away. This approach not only helps in personal healing but also fosters healthier relationships.